Unable to Forget, suspecting depression

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    I made a very good friend through a matrimonial site 8 years ago and though we did not get married, we ended up being very good friends. We stood by each other through a lot and really clicked. During this time, he got married and had kids but we continued being friends. I don’t know whether he loved me or not but he did apologize at one point for making me think that I did and continued being very caring. After my dad passed away, I became very emotionally reliant and he could not take it. He told me to back off and left. As expected, I did not take it well, pleaded with him to come back and just talk to me. He refused vehemently only to come back 1.5 months later which blew me off since it dawned that he cared for me too. I still could not handle being treated like a secret and I was not allowed to call him and had to be cautious. I tried my best but failed. He left again and was very sure now.

    Today, it is going to be 2 years since he walked away and I have still not forgotten and think about him every single day. It makes me feel weak that I could not move on nor forget him and he is leading his life happily. The problem gets compounded because he stays in the same building as me, I know his cars and our drive to work is the same path and I see him a couple of times and he remains unaffected. He does not pick up my phone calls nor does he answer my messages.

    I am not constant with anything. I binge eat and am gaining weight. I want to feel better but despite traveling, reading, diverting my mind. I cannot forget him.

    Please help me!

    SS Moderator
    SS Moderator

    Hello SK,

    First of all apologies for the delay in responding, this site is new and was going through some maintenance over the past few days.

    Women often find it hard to detach from relationships. It sounds like you haven’t had closure with regards to this relationship. Deep down you may have regrets regarding unmet expectations, and you may be feeling rejected or abandoned. Maybe this is leading to feelings of low self-worth. You think about it everyday, which means you are ruminating: compulsively thinking about the same problem, helping it to grow inside your head.

    You can try writing a “goodbye letter”  to him, which you won’t actually give to him, it will help you process your feelings. In the letter write down your thoughts and feelings and cover the range of emotions you are experiencing: anger, hurt, shame, resentment. Try to end it with forgiveness, both for him and yourself. Tell yourself this is closure. After reading over your letter, tear it up and flush it down the toilet, or burn it in the kitchen sink, visualizing letting go of your attachment to him. Whenever thoughts about him enter your mind, immediately replace them with a positive message to yourself like: “I can move on and be happy now”, and force yourself to re-focus onto the present moment.

    Over the next few weeks practice healthy habits which include exercise, balanced eating and sleeping, positive social interactions, hobbies, and daily journaling each night where you write down “what’s good about my life now”. A positive self-image, healthy life-style and engaging in activities that bring you satisfaction will help you re-direct yourself. Also please consider seeing a Cognitive Behavior Therapist  (CBT) to help you develop adaptive thoughts and behaviors. CBT is empirically proven to be very effective in treating depression.

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