March 2, 2015 at 12:58 am #509
I tend to hold many reservations about people that I have in my life whether they be close or even friends of friends. I don’t know if I can attribute it to a lack of trust or maybe a possible fear of becoming close to people but I have always felt the need to keep a distance with people.March 2, 2015 at 3:10 pm #511
Hi Aladdin, how we view other people and the world can be linked to how secure your early attachment with your parents was. It’s possible that you had insecure attachment and therefore you don’t easily trust people now. Another thing to consider is that maybe you fear getting close……..in case it leads to abandonment or rejection? Staying distant could be a defense mechanism, protecting you from potential hurt. Close interpersonal relationships are important for our sense of wellbeing. Try to let go of fears that hold you back. Fear is usually irrational. Ask yourself, what are you fearing and can you face that fear by taking some chances?March 17, 2015 at 2:26 pm #542
Aladdin, you’re missing out on one of the joys of life: good friendships that can strengthen over the years. You’re missing out on people to lean on when you’re down. You’re missing out on sharing their special moments, and having them join you in sharing your special moments. Do you want to go through life feeling lonely and like an outlier? A lonely life is joyless.
Try changing yourself. Talk more, get out more, initiate more social plans. You may be disappointed by people sometimes, but remember, that’s life. Focus on what’s good about the people around you, that may motivate you to engage more with them. When you start having fun, and let the joy in, you’ll start trusting. Don’t give up on humanity!
April 8, 2015 at 1:56 pm #552
- This reply was modified 2 years ago by SS Moderator.
I think I may have painted myself as a misanthrope, but that’s really not the case. I love the time I spend with my friends and family. I actually, more often than not, tend to use those terms quite interchangeably. SS Moderator might be right when he/she attributes my personal need to be distanced from people to the fears of abandonment, rejection and hurt. Ggal, I understand what you are saying. A good gauge of mental and emotional health is by the company you keep. What I should have stated initially is that I like to keep my circle of influence quite small. Within that circle I include people that I have known for 15 years or more. Yes, I understand that expansion and change are necessary things in life to grow as an individual, and that experiences with friends and family help create a more rounded human, but when it comes enjoying moments, getting through hardships, and living life, I’d rather share it with people who I have taken the time to know and trust. But also, there’s a hidden comfort in sharing things with strangers and people you are getting to know. Case in point, these posts. To be honest, knowing myself, it’d be extremely hard vocalizing these emotions to a stranger or to a person I’ve just met. A lot of people I know find comfort and ease with new relationships, not saying I don’t like meeting new people or that I am a recluse, I just prefer surrounding myself with people who I know as good as I know myself.April 10, 2015 at 6:53 am #554
As you say, it can be comforting to share thoughts and feelings with strangers in a forum such as supportseekers. Sometimes we can be hyper-sensitive or take feedback the wrong way when we expose vulnerable emotions to people we know, but that doesn’t happen here, where we can accept opinions without feeling judged.
Having secure relationships with a few trusted people is a “protective factor”. Protective factors help us stay resilient when faced with difficult phases of life. Other protective factors include things like financial resources, activities that give us purpose and meaning in life, spiritual connection, and even having a pet can increase your ability to cope with life problems.
Leaning on those trusted good friends and family members, when needed, has psychological benefit for you. But keep in mind that life is full of change, people change and situations change. Your “circle of influence” will most likely change over the years as some drift out of that circle and others enter it. Part of resiliency is to be able to adapt to the processes of change in life. Adapting means being flexible with your expectations. Your initial post mentioned you tend to stay distant from people. Is it possible you have unrealistically high expectations of people, and it’s safer to stay distant so you don’t get disappointed by them? Can you ever really know anyone as well as you know yourself? Is this perhaps a high expectation?April 11, 2015 at 11:00 pm #561
It definitely is a protective factor. When I actually sit and take the time to figure out why I take so long to open up to people it all stems back to the relationships I’ve had in the past. Whether it be the friends I’ve had or even family, it really originates from these two sources. I realize that having a few bad experiences sum up and shape how I interact with the world isn’t the best thing to do. Knowing this, I am definitely trying resolve these inner qualms that I have with myself. Like you said, change is inevitable. Rather than the experience molding the individual, the individual should mold around the experience and ultimately evolve. It’s an ongoing process, I’ve realized, it never really stops.April 12, 2015 at 9:58 am #563
I think it’s really good that you’re able to understand this about yourself. Many people find it hard to understand why or what causes them to feel and behave in a certain way, so it’s always good to try to reflect upon ourselves and learn more about who we are as inidividuals. You seem to have a good skill of reflecting on your own relationships with people, which is a good start if you want to change anything in yourself. Acknowledging the strengths and weaknessess that we have is also very useful, and I think it’s good that you’re open to new thoughts and trying to change.
Your willingness to adapt alone is a very powerful tool for a big change to come, and I just wanted to emphasize that what you’re thinking and trying to do is setting you on a right path. You’ll get to where you want to be soon, as long as you keep doing what you can. This is good effort, and more than some could make.
One of the things that has worked for me when I wanted to make a change in a relationship is to mute my doubts, and take a leap of faith by being honest with someone and telling them something that I’ve wanted to but couldn’t bring myself to say before. It wasn’t easy, and it definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone, but after I did it I was glad. Now I have better confidence in speaking my mind with others, and having a more open relationship. It’s okay to have boundaries in a relationship (in fact it’s important to have limits to every relationship), as long as you’re comfortable with them. If you’re happy, then that’s that.
I hope this helps!November 3, 2016 at 2:58 am #1242
I feel the same way. I’m single and don’t want to be but every time I get close to someone I forget about me and taking care of me and it becomes all about them (I don’t understand why I’m like this with every relationship friends & romantically), and I end up taking steps backwards instead of forward and need time to heal after. Which makes me feel that I’m better off single, but I don’t want to be because of loneliness. I’m faithful and want to fall and stay in love with one person, not this in and out of relationships. I hate it. The second thing is fear of getting close to people & then losing them to death or maybe they’ve left or moved or have relationships now or less time overall or I’ve cut them off because they are users or because they are toxic or negative or because they have nothing in common with me anymore. There are so many reasons why I don’t know how to trust new people… it sucks because I need physical contact and I’m 41 never married and no kids and quit smoking so don’t do bars, no single men at my church, don’t believe in dating people I work with etc, so it’s hard to meet people.
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