Shame

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  • #1444

    Anonymous

    I have had depression and anxiety all my life and social anxiety as well. I always have felt socially awkward. I was the kid who was last picked for the sports teams, school groups etc. In my late teens and twenties I did a lot of work counselling and managed to get better, make some friends and get some college and work. I work now and have a family, but still find making friends difficult. I have managed to get jobs, buy a house, but am working class and not well off.  My parents are gone now and although I have brothers and sisters …I only have one I spend anytime with. I have screwed up so many situations in my life, by being anxious, getting stressed out. I live in a smaller city and a lot of people here know I have mental health issues. I guess the good thing is that I am working, but I work for one person and if they decide to retire than I would have to find another job and that would be difficult since many people know I have mental health issues.  The future seems really bleak to me.  2 friends I had have moved away. I feel really lonely and isolated and really want to connect with people. I feel a real loss of my family, siblings. I think of joining something…a church…some kind of group, but on the other hand I feel such deep shame that the thought of going anywhere seems like trying to Climb Mount Everest. I have started having these scary moments at work where I feel deep panic about my life and want to go home. I don’t go home and get myself through it, but I dread that thought of it. I am seeing my doctor next week about up my anti-depressant medication, but that makes me feel down since they make me hungry and I would like to loose 15 pounds not gain more.

    In my twenties I had hope I could overcome my issues, but now I am in my 50’s and feel like I have to much baggage to overcome. I am a parent on the other hand and know that I have to do something, for my family.

    I should feel shame, because I screw up everything I am involved with. I have always known that there is something different about my brain. I am writing here because I do not have access to anything counselling. There is none free where I live and I do not have enough money to purchase any.

    Camelia

     

    #1447
    SS Moderator
    SS Moderator
    Member

    Hello,

    When you were younger counseling helped you. Try to remember the tools that you learned then, and use those strategies again. Did you think more positively then? You say “the future seems bleak”. By predicting a negative outcome, you are mentally minimizing your own capacity to deal with this problem, and maximizing the actual problem. This will probably lead to your expectation, which is a “bleak future”. Instead, tell yourself that you have overcome many challenges in the past, and you can do so again now. Push yourself to engage in positive social activities – and rather than blocking this from happening by making negative predictions, give it a chance by putting your best effort into it. If you have a few friends, and some enjoyable activities, you will feel supported. Reaching out to people through your church may be a good first step. There are many self-help books out there as well. I recommend “The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook” by Bourne.

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