Lonely in a relationship

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    I apologize for how long this is. I’m just trying to give as much info as possible.

    I’m not sure where to start. My boyfriend and I have been together for at least 6 years. We have a 3-year-old son together and I’m currently 7 months pregnant with our second child. We had a rough beginning. There was a lot of drug abuse. 2 years into living together I got pregnant and he freaked out and went deeper into the rabbit hole of drugs and addiction. Long story short he ended up in the hospital, went to rehab and after 7 months of him dating someone else we eventually got back together and were solid for a bit. Until now…

    I moved to his town about 2 years ago. He has a lot of friends here. I never had a lot of friends to begin with, prior to me moving here I had 4 good friends. In the span of the 2 years I lived here that number went down to 1. I have one single best friend and I’m beyond terrified of losing her too which, I think, affects the way I interact with her. I’m so afraid of saying/doing something wrong and her not talking to me as a result. The only family I have here are my mom and my sister. To be honest my mom doesn’t really have her life together herself and my sister is a teenager, so I don’t feel confident relying on them for support. I try to make friends but it never goes anywhere. We hang out maybe once or twice and then it just kind of dies down.

    My biggest issue is my boyfriend. I suspect he might be depressed. Maybe all those years of drug abuse caused some kind of chemical imbalance in his brain…? He has a heavy drinking problem. Whenever I mention medication to him he says things like “I might as well just start doing meth…” There’s just no reasoning with him when it comes to his depression and alcoholism. He works and is able to keep up appearances so he doesn’t think it’s an issue. He says I’m the only one who has a problem with it, therefore it’s solely for me to deal with.

    When he’s home he has 2 moods: 1) watches TV until he passes out. 2) Gets obnoxiously drunk and calls his friends to come over and stays up all night with them drinking. Sometimes they stay here but lately I’ve been telling them to leave and take him with them and they all happily oblige. Then he comes home and sleeps until Monday morning when he has to go to work again. He’s only alert and sociable with his friends but not me. I understand his need to hang out with his friends but I myself feel extremely isolated. I don’t own a vehicle so I can’t just get up and do something as we live in the suburbs of a small town where I don’t know anyone. I feel like he’s neglecting me. He does the bare minimum to help out with the house and childcare. I work (part time) as well so I often feel overwhelmed. His excuse is that his job is more physically demanding and that his job is more important than mine because he works full time with better pay and benefits. With that being said he does not give me money or anything. I feel like I have to ask permission to do anything and the answer is always automatically “no”. When I try to do things on my own he makes me feel bad. But it’s completely okay for him to do as he pleases. He also expects me to fix him dinner every night and when I do he insults my cooking. It hurts my feelings because I try really hard.
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>I’ve become depressed and unmotivated. I can’t find joy in anything. I feel tired and worn out most of the time. I feel like a bad mother because I’m not as active and attentive as I’d like to be with my son. The second child is to be born soon and I’m terrified. I don’ know how I’m gonna do it with two if I’m struggling with the one I already have. I fantasize about leaving him but don’t have enough money/resources to do so. I don’t even know if that’s the answer. I guess I would like to work things out with him but I’ve become too resentful and depressed and I don’ know what to do. We tried counseling before but stopped because he didn’t want to go anymore. Please help me.</p>

    SS Moderator
    SS Moderator


    There is a lot going on here. It sounds like your boyfriend is a functioning addict, meaning that he manages to live his life without letting it fall apart – but just barely. Your relationship with him has a history of instability. Then there is your very limited emotional support, your depression, and the fact that you seem to be dependent on him (needing his permission etc). Please read up on “narcissim”- he may have traits of this personality. And you may have traits of “codependency”. A good source for information is: psychcentral.org

    Only YOU can improve your life. Can you pick one thing to work on at first? Maybe try to improve your social life. Really make an effort. Depression causes a downward spiral of withdrawal and isolation. Ask yourself what you can do to be more sociable, and work on making some changes. If you have a social network of more than just one person, you may have more support and things to look forward to. Are there any support groups in your area? Or pre-school play groups? Is there a community center where you could take part in activities? Or is higher education an option, so that you can slowly become financially independent? Tell yourself that it’s YOUR life, and you need to live it fully.

    You sound stuck in an unhealthy relationship. Try to brainstorm realistic options for improving your life. If possible, go to a psychologist for individual counseling. Depression is treatable, but it requires effort.


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