Intimacy with spouce

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Anonymous 2 years, 4 months ago.

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  • #516

    Soulsister
    Adult

    My husband and I are rarely intimate. He shows no interest and never initiates and when I do he comes up with some excuse not to be intimate and this is causing me great anxiety and humiliation because it is a horrible feeling for a woman not to be desired by her husband. I tried everything. I groom myself to be appealing to him. From Wearing sexy lingerie, to attempting foreplay that he would like, letting him be the man and not approach him, to talking about it, to being patient and not say anything, to being feminine and flirty to be passive, aggressive, to waiting it out…etc. nothing is working and when I bring it up with him he does not give me a reason and always has a million excuses. “ I am too tired, we are busy, there are guests in the house, it has been hectic, our schedules did not allow it… all of which make no sense to me and I don’t believe any of them are valid. He has no physical problem. It is entirely mental and it is really impacting my feelings for him and negatively impacting our relationship so much so that I think this is unsustainable long term. It has been over one month since he has touched me and before that it was not regular or frequent either. I even tried to offer him an religious perspective that spouses should not refuse intimacy for each other and that it is an act of worship to be intimate…etc but it is falling on deaf ears unfortunately. What shall I do?

    #522
    SS Moderator
    SS Moderator
    Moderator

    Hi Soulsister,

    There can be many reasons for reduced sexual desire including low levels of testosterone, high blood pressure, depression and high levels of stress. You do mention that he has no physical problems and it’s all mental. If that’s the case then maybe negative thoughts and feelings are interfering with his desire. Some negative thoughts may reflect self-doubts involving inadequacy or a fear of failure on his part – this pattern of thinking could dampen his sexual drive and result in avoidance. Try boosting his self-confidence by noticing small good things he does, and expressing your appreciation for them.

    Other negative thoughts may result from interpersonal problems between the two of you, leading to underlying feelings of anxiety, sadness, or anger. The loss of desire itself can lead to misunderstandings that can complicate the relationship. If that’s the case, the way to resolve it is through building a close emotional connection again. Maybe you can shift your efforts from focusing on physical intimacy, to focusing on emotional intimacy. Perhaps you can start by telling him you miss the emotional closeness you had before, and want to revive it by  spending quality time together each week, where you re-connect with each other in a way that is mutually pleasing. This may appeal to him since you are in essence saying you want to be with him because you love him. By doing so you can  increase the positivity factor in your marriage.

    When he is thinking good thoughts about you, negative thoughts won’t occupy as much space in his head. Doing small caring acts for each other every day will also increase positivity. Remember to express appreciation for even the smallest efforts on his part. Hopefully this interaction will be reciprocal. Emotional closeness increases positive feelings, but cultivating this takes conscious effort and patience. If the pressure is taken off him, and you are engaging in good shared times together, you may find that his sexual desire will be revived.

    #535

    Soulsister
    Adult

    Thank you I will try everything you suggested and give an update by the end of this month.

    #540

    Anonymous

    Hello Soulsister,

    Maybe your man is just stressed and burnt out from work/ life/. I know when I had babies, and I was hardly sleeping but still running around all day, I was exhausted, irritated, and overwhelmed for a couple of years. I know this is common for mums with young kids, and sex was the last thing I was interested in then. Just to have a few hours undisturbed sleep was all I wanted. So maybe your man just needs some rest and work/ life balance.

     

    #541

    Anonymous

    Hey Soulsister,

    Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you thought of dramatically changing your haircut, or color? Get a sexy piercing? Sometimes a shiny new thing is more interesting than the same old same old. Not only will he maybe notice you, but you may feel better about yourself as well. Rejection can sting……….especially when it’s repeated again and again. You may be feeling humiliated (I know I would), and maybe he’s somehow catching that negative energy from you. Freshening up your look may change how you feel about yourself, and that might in turn affect how he views you.

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