February 28, 2015 at 5:53 pm #504
A lot of girls these days have weight issues. I’m not one of them – I’m totally comfortable and confident with my body, or at least I thought I was, until my mother started telling me I need to watch my weight and cut down on carbs. She’s really social, and has also started husband hunting for me (I’m Asian, it starts early) and has an obsession about how people in her social circle see me – but honestly, I’m not fat! When I look in the mirror, try on clothes, I feel normal! Not super skinny, but normal, and more importantly, happy with myself. I’ve tried telling her this, but she says that I’ll thank her later in my life, and this is the time to start getting skinny. Everytime we have this conversation it ends in shouting and slammed doors. I really don’t know what to do. It feels like she doesn’t think I look good, and that she’s not proud to have me as a daughter.March 2, 2015 at 3:43 pm #513
First of all, good for you for having a positive self-image, even when your mother is critical! Her views on weight may go back to her own personal negative experiences with body image. If talking to her directly doesn’t work, can you ask someone else to talk to her – someone who she respects? Maybe she equates “super skinny” with “magnet for marriage proposals”. It may take one of her peers to help her change her thinking. Meanwhile, don’t let her obsessive thinking affect your healthy thinking. How she perceives you should not affect your own self-perception. Try to imagine a force-field around you where you don’t let in her negative attitude. Feeling happy with yourself is a key to a happy marriage……when you’re ready for it.March 6, 2015 at 7:26 am #519
I think every girl (I’m Asian too) goes through that feeling of not being good enough, and that worry of not making your parents proud, and It sucks! I think they forget sometimes what it’s like to be a teenager, and the immensity of the effects her words have on you. Have you tried telling her how these talks are essentially overly critical and make you feel bad as a daughter? Maybe putting things into perspective for her will make her realize the irrational, illogical, and hurtful nature of her talks with you.March 17, 2015 at 1:31 pm #537
Hey ablacksheep, why don’t you figure out what your BMI is, and if it’s in the normal range, like not overweight, then that proves you are fine the way you are, and you could tell your mom that your BMI is normal so that means you don’t need to lose weight. Maybe medical proof like that will help her change her mind.March 18, 2015 at 5:58 pm #550
Thanks for your suggestions. Silver Change, that was such a good idea. I had to go for a medical exam last week so when the Doctor told me my BMI, I made it a point to ask her if it was normal, and if I should lose some weight. The doctor then told me (and my mom) that I was underweight, and should PUT ON some pounds! So then I couldn’t help myself, I told her that my mom was suggesting I lose weight, I know it may have embarrassed my Mom and put her on the spot, but it was definitely needed. Anyway, now she’s focusing her energy on getting me to start wearing more makeup and learning how to style my hair nicely, instead of my weight. It bothers me a little but I’m trying to just ignore it and deal with it, I guess it’s just how she is :/April 11, 2015 at 7:00 pm #558
I’m glad to hear the BMI idea worked out, and hopefully your mother starts to feel more comfortable with letting you be the way you want to be. I’m not Asian but I actually face the same kind of issues with my family, especially regarding gender expectations and marriage. And ironically, I have the exact opposite situation that you have but feel it similarly. With me, I know my BMI will indicate that I’m not underweight or overweight, but I know I need to lose a little weight to become more healthy. I want to have a healthier and toner body, and some family members made fun of me for that and gave me the excuse of “Why bother? A husband wouldn’t like a skinny wife.” This always angered me for several reasons (which I’m sure any woman would be upset with hearing) but mainly I hated people making me feel like I need to be changing myself to please others and what they think I should be rather than being happy with myself, and I always told them if marriage means me living with a man who wants to mold and shape me to his desire, then I won’t do it. I’ll only marry someone who can accept me as I am and can be happy with me, regardless of all that.
Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is I understand it’s hard to live with expectations you don’t want to deal with, but I like that you’re focusing on making yourself happy. Just try to communicate your honest thoughts and feeling to your mother calmly, and hopefully she’ll understand you better and wouldn’t make you feel this way. I wish you all the best, and good luck!November 16, 2015 at 11:41 am #800
Thanks you so much. ss, your discussion is very helped me.
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