October 17, 2015 at 9:49 am #603
im super depressed right now about a woman im in love with who isnt in love with me. sorry if this is isnt the most coherent post as im just writing down my thoughts really as they come.
im having probably the hardest time with two things: 1) im constantly getting flooded with memories of things and places we did and went together, and this makes me feel more depressed. 2) while we did create a great friendship over years and years i think im realizing that i fooled myself into thinking that one day we at least give a relationship a try and that i had fooled myself into thinking over the last few years i wasnt as attached as i once was and dont know how to deal with it.
Ive told her since the beginning of when we first started hanging out that i wanted to date her but always got some friendzone excuse like she wasnt ready to have a long term relationship. I did and didnt believe her at the same time because she was young when i first met her. We have only lived in the same town for that one summer because i went back to college. Over the years id come down to see her or shed come up to see me and we did build something special. Id tell her every so often, then less and less i still had feelings for her but everytime she said no. Id tell myself its because she came from a messed up home or was scared for one reason or another that was the reason she wouldnt say yes. A therapist i went to said it could be because i was the most stable person in her life but idk. Thefe was two times that i later realized she was hinting at me to make a move but that was years ago and the regret on that feels like heavy weights. Part of me thinks im just delusional, another part thinks my therapist could be right.
And thats an ussue, i have two conflicting sides that battle each other out to try and make sense of it all. One the one hand she tells me how handsome i am everytime i see her, how i have no faults, how shes always going to love me forever, how shes going to make sure we are never grow apart, how im her half and shes my half, for the past few years she has been buying me gifts, some fairly expensive, buying dinners hotels etc. Theres also some physical contact that has and does go on when we spend the night like heavy spooning, sometimes touching and biting in some areas but on the other hand never real intimacy. Ive tried to initiate and truthfuly only a few times before but always with a no or im sorry. And it seems she makes it a point if we are with other people that im just her friend. Ive told her i was in love with her but sometimes i get the feeling she doesnt want to believe it, further when i do try and communicate my feelings i get a reaction or a sense that she doesnt believe im really hurt or that she can hurt me. Only one time has she went on full on apology mode and been really concerned over something she did that hurt me.
Ive bad this depressed feeling before either because we got into a big fight and didnt talk for months on end or she moved in with a boyfriend. When that happens communication and seeing each other drops. It hasnt bothered me so much in the last few years until now because it was out of site, out of mind. Shed never bring up her relationships as of late but id know by a mutual friend who lives in my town would just tell me, not knowing my feelings for her. Thats what happened this time when i got news she had been engauged. I had feared that moment for a few months and i think it was my biggest fear since basically the start. What puzzled me was i knew shed only have known this guy for less than a year. When i asked her about it she just laughed it off and said it was just a guy and she changed her mind and doesnt think marraige is for her.
Normally my depression would disappear the moment i saw her next or when she texted me that she missed me. I always seemed to have played up this fear when basically everything turned out to be ok. This time though (and i think this everytime) its different and soon shell be settled down with a family. What gave me false hope was that she got into most/all? relationships where she was treated badly in it.
When we would go on weekend trips or basically anything that involved a long drive, i made a mental note of it in my head when we would just hold hands as i drove and told myself it was worth it all. We only see each other now a 3-4 times this past year but shes been a main motivation for so long idk how or really what to do. Ive had relationships throughout but no ones came close to how i feel about her. And when im dating or have a girlfriend, my perspectives change in where i dont see her automatically falling in love with the guy shes with, if that makes sense.
Now that shes moving across half the country i feel like this could be one of the last times i see her before she settles down. She said i could move down there with her if im ever get sick of the city however i doubt that would happen. Im not sure how or what im going to say or what i should say or do. My mind and emotions change 50 times a day from being optimistic to feeling like ive fooled myself to regret, to just pain. I wish i was religious or that i could do something to change how im thinking or rewire my brain because i know some of what i fear is just false/wrong perspective. I know im not thinking straight. Hopefully you can follow this but i do feel a little better just writing my thoughts down.October 17, 2015 at 5:03 pm #604
I think you need to re-evaluate exactly what you can realistically expect from this relationship. Three important factors in a romantic relationship are: friendship, commitment, and a shared meaning in life. FRIENDSHIP is based on mutual trust, understanding and empathy for each other. Do you honestly have this with her? Do you feel like she is trustworthy? Does she understand you? The factors of commitment and a shared meaning in life are obviously not there. So what are you getting from this relationship? Is it possible that you are infatuated by her? Give yourself a reality check and ask yourself: Is she really the kind of person you would like as a partner? Does she make you feel loved and secure? Are you denying the reality and living with an unrealistic view of this relationship? Be objective, not emotional when you answer these questions. Since writing makes you feel better, write down the answers.
It seems like the bottom line here is that she doesn’t want a committed relationship with you. Rather than holding onto false hopes, it may be best to let go of this relationship, and focus on living your life in a way that gives you meaning and purpose.October 18, 2015 at 1:22 am #607
Thanks for the response. Ill try to be as rational as possible. I definitely have those factors in friendship with her. She probably understands me more than anyone else i know. Ive held great friendships with a few people for over 20 years that i consider family so i have a good understanding of what a good friendship is and i have that with her.
What is a shared meaning of life? Is it possible that i can be infatuated and in love with her at the same time? What i get from this relationship is happiness when im with her, someone who i can talk about anything with, someone who supports me emotionally and give me motivation to do follow and complete my goals in life. We share many of the same activities and interests which i dont have with my other close friends. We do have something very special, a connection and chemistry i know that isnt just me trying to trick myself. Theres a comfort level we share were we can freely be ourselves without any judgment from each other. She is a person id like to be a partner with. Shes has the many attributes and characteristics i want in a partner. I think an underlying issue i have is the rejection of her not giving me a chance. I do think much of my depression would go away or lesson greatly even if we had a short relationship. Idk if thats my self worth or what. But right now my confidence is low. I realize for one reason or another people just arnt attracted to another person but still it gets to me. Part of it i think is i saw her as more attractive than other women i had dated but ive been more attractive women since, another part is i dont think ive ever not been able to at least date someone i was really interested in. Sure there’s been plenty of rejections but idk if there has been when i put real effort and persistence into it. I know a lot of it is regret in not giving in to her advances the first night we hung out just by ourselves. While our drinking was probably the reason she wanted to, and i was cought off gaurd it still haunts me to this day.
its not like i consciously kept on wishing and hoping we would end up together. Maybe i kept that at bay or pushed it down and now its surfacing. Only very very rarely id imagine it all working out for a few minutes, have a laugh and then go on as usual. I really thought that just knowing she loved me, be as it in only a friend, that would be enough.
I dont think i can let go of this relationship. While i am in love/infatuated with her, i do love her as a friend. shes been the closest friend in many ways for years now and i just could not do it. At the same time i think my depression is a reality check and i know something needs to be done. Im supposed to see her in a week or two and not sure how to best approach this yet. Shes always had a way of comforting me when we talked about us but idk this time. Theres a duality in my head going back and forth which both seem they could be true. I know i have some wishful thinking in me but in the past that kind of thinking has beenmade a reality in the past. Im also sure i have some self esteem issues that are causing me to think right now she doesnt care for me as much as i know she does.
I tend to think in black and white which is no good. Part of me thinks im finally facing reality, another part thinks i snowballed this negative feelings into something much more which has happened in the past and is a tendency i can have. Thanks again for your response, i tried to be objectionable as i can.October 18, 2015 at 6:55 pm #621
You said she doesn’t want to be your partner, but she’s a good friend. So maybe you need to re-define this relationship as good friends only. You mention that you tend to think in black and white terms. You also say you have a tendency to snowball things into much more than they actually are – that’s called catastrophizing. Both these patterns of thinking may be resulting in you interpreting this relationship in a distorted way. Could that be?
A shared meaning in life is a deep connection to your partner, reflected in a shared passion or life dream. It’s the kind of thing shared in marriage vows. Have you considered seeking professional counseling, face to face, to help you process your feelings? If you have depression, it’s important to seek treatment before it gets worse. It sounds like dealing with rejection is a main problem for you. Maybe you need to work a bit on the most important relationship of all – the one with your inner self.October 20, 2015 at 7:54 am #624
Yes i do need to work on myself and intend to go see a therapist once my insurance gives me the ok. Ive been to two before, both for this same issue and the main goal was and still is to work on myself. Ive felt like this before and have gotten better but the result was from seeing or talking to the girl. Idk if doing that was a temporary fix, and i fear maybe i just was delaying the inevitable in really working out my issues with this. Only when im depressed like this do i really catastrophize things in my mind. Im not quite sure if i distort the relationship, id like to think i keep a rather straight grasp of things in it, at.least when im with her and not depressed like i am now. Right now i do tend to distort by thinking she doesnt love or care for me in the way i know she does. I try and think about or read memories and texts that shows how much she does care and love me though often i put a negative spin/confused on it even though i keep telling myself i know im putting spin on it. I think confusion is another thing that a boggle with because theres been so many times, probably the majority, that my instincts says this girl is into me. I really dont think im distorting that though i guess theres always the possibility? And i base those instincts on my past relationships and girls i knew that were into me. Thinking right now of some of the times together, idk how it didnt happen. Friends on both sides in the past have thought we were having an affair. Mixed signals would be an understatement. Idk how many times, a few, probably more when we were alone where shes said things in a way in which she was validating to herself (?) that i had have no romantic interest in her. They wernt in questions but just in passing. When thats happened i havent said anything but have most likely given a raised eye look of “oh really?” i wish now i was more vocal. No we dont have a shared meaning, but we do have a deep connection something special and many of our passions are the same, some became mine from hers and vice versa.
Thanks again for your advice, neither of my past therapists ever told me any cognative dissonance i could have. Im a problem solver so i like when i at least have an idea of what the problems are in the first place. Is there a place i can send donations?October 20, 2015 at 4:07 pm #625
It sounds like your relationship lacks open and honest communication. This causes confusion. Confusion causes anxiety and depression, which cause unhealthy thinking patterns to take hold. So why don’t you both sit down and clearly define what this relationship means exactly. Some questions to clarify are: what are your needs and desires? What positive and negative contributions have you both made? What unrealistic expectations are there? What are the unmet needs? Where is this relationship headed? Write down the answers, and both of you sign the document. Putting things in writing makes them concrete and easier to accept and deal with. Once this is done you may have more direction.
Thanks for offering to make a donation, but this is a free community service.
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