Yes i do need to work on myself and intend to go see a therapist once my insurance gives me the ok. Ive been to two before, both for this same issue and the main goal was and still is to work on myself. Ive felt like this before and have gotten better but the result was from seeing or talking to the girl. Idk if doing that was a temporary fix, and i fear maybe i just was delaying the inevitable in really working out my issues with this. Only when im depressed like this do i really catastrophize things in my mind. Im not quite sure if i distort the relationship, id like to think i keep a rather straight grasp of things in it, at.least when im with her and not depressed like i am now. Right now i do tend to distort by thinking she doesnt love or care for me in the way i know she does. I try and think about or read memories and texts that shows how much she does care and love me though often i put a negative spin/confused on it even though i keep telling myself i know im putting spin on it. I think confusion is another thing that a boggle with because theres been so many times, probably the majority, that my instincts says this girl is into me. I really dont think im distorting that though i guess theres always the possibility? And i base those instincts on my past relationships and girls i knew that were into me. Thinking right now of some of the times together, idk how it didnt happen. Friends on both sides in the past have thought we were having an affair. Mixed signals would be an understatement. Idk how many times, a few, probably more when we were alone where shes said things in a way in which she was validating to herself (?) that i had have no romantic interest in her. They wernt in questions but just in passing. When thats happened i havent said anything but have most likely given a raised eye look of “oh really?” i wish now i was more vocal. No we dont have a shared meaning, but we do have a deep connection something special and many of our passions are the same, some became mine from hers and vice versa.
Thanks again for your advice, neither of my past therapists ever told me any cognative dissonance i could have. Im a problem solver so i like when i at least have an idea of what the problems are in the first place. Is there a place i can send donations?