Thanks for the response. Ill try to be as rational as possible. I definitely have those factors in friendship with her. She probably understands me more than anyone else i know. Ive held great friendships with a few people for over 20 years that i consider family so i have a good understanding of what a good friendship is and i have that with her.
What is a shared meaning of life? Is it possible that i can be infatuated and in love with her at the same time? What i get from this relationship is happiness when im with her, someone who i can talk about anything with, someone who supports me emotionally and give me motivation to do follow and complete my goals in life. We share many of the same activities and interests which i dont have with my other close friends. We do have something very special, a connection and chemistry i know that isnt just me trying to trick myself. Theres a comfort level we share were we can freely be ourselves without any judgment from each other. She is a person id like to be a partner with. Shes has the many attributes and characteristics i want in a partner. I think an underlying issue i have is the rejection of her not giving me a chance. I do think much of my depression would go away or lesson greatly even if we had a short relationship. Idk if thats my self worth or what. But right now my confidence is low. I realize for one reason or another people just arnt attracted to another person but still it gets to me. Part of it i think is i saw her as more attractive than other women i had dated but ive been more attractive women since, another part is i dont think ive ever not been able to at least date someone i was really interested in. Sure there’s been plenty of rejections but idk if there has been when i put real effort and persistence into it. I know a lot of it is regret in not giving in to her advances the first night we hung out just by ourselves. While our drinking was probably the reason she wanted to, and i was cought off gaurd it still haunts me to this day.
its not like i consciously kept on wishing and hoping we would end up together. Maybe i kept that at bay or pushed it down and now its surfacing. Only very very rarely id imagine it all working out for a few minutes, have a laugh and then go on as usual. I really thought that just knowing she loved me, be as it in only a friend, that would be enough.
I dont think i can let go of this relationship. While i am in love/infatuated with her, i do love her as a friend. shes been the closest friend in many ways for years now and i just could not do it. At the same time i think my depression is a reality check and i know something needs to be done. Im supposed to see her in a week or two and not sure how to best approach this yet. Shes always had a way of comforting me when we talked about us but idk this time. Theres a duality in my head going back and forth which both seem they could be true. I know i have some wishful thinking in me but in the past that kind of thinking has beenmade a reality in the past. Im also sure i have some self esteem issues that are causing me to think right now she doesnt care for me as much as i know she does.
I tend to think in black and white which is no good. Part of me thinks im finally facing reality, another part thinks i snowballed this negative feelings into something much more which has happened in the past and is a tendency i can have. Thanks again for your response, i tried to be objectionable as i can.