Hello, it sounds like you have experienced repeated trauma. You have anxiety and depression, with suicidal ideation. You need to reach out for professional help which is face to face. Online counseling is not appropriate for the level of distress that you are in. Please reach out to a trusted friend or family member, someone who you can rely on for emotional support. Ask them to help you set up an appointment with a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication. You will also benefit from counseling sessions. The first step is to reach out to someone you trust, and who has your best interest in mind. Tell yourself that things can get better.