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I feel the same way. I’m single and don’t want to be but every time I get close to someone I forget about me and taking care of me and it becomes all about them (I don’t understand why I’m like this with every relationship friends & romantically), and I end up taking steps backwards instead of forward and need time to heal after. Which makes me feel that I’m better off single, but I don’t want to be because of loneliness.  I’m faithful and want to fall and stay in love with one person, not this in and out of relationships. I hate it. The second thing is fear of getting close to people & then losing them to death or maybe they’ve left or moved or have relationships now or less time overall or I’ve cut them off because they are users or because they are toxic or negative or because they have nothing in common with me anymore. There are so many reasons why I don’t know how to trust new people… it sucks because I need physical contact and I’m 41 never married and no kids and quit smoking so don’t do bars, no single men at my church, don’t believe in dating people I work with etc, so it’s hard to meet people.